Day 28 – 5-4-2021 – Breakdowns Con’t: Self-Love

It’s not been an easy ride.

There have been days that I have hated myself, relentlessly. I never felt good enough because no one ever told me I was when I was a little girl. I had no one to model how to treat myself gently and lovingly. There was always chaos in my life, and I had always had to fend for myself and learn things for myself, as I grew up on my own.

What did that do? I just realized that it has given me the stamina, resilience and persistence to keep going no matter what.

Wow. For every time I had wanted to throw in the towel and just give up, I kept on going until the light at the end of the tunnel was no longer a train. It was actually sunlight.

One example that came up for me in the past 18 hours was finishing the last episodes of Modern Family.

So, here’s what happened.

Last night I watched this show. I am not an avid TV watcher, I pick and choose what to watch on and off and take breaks in between shows. This particular show was on from 2009 to 2020. I had absolutely no idea it even existed until I started watching it this year.

It is so well written that it pulled me into their families. As I have explained, family life in my world has been completely chaotic and ugly at times. It in no way was like this family. Now don’t get me wrong, they had their stuff that happened to all of them, but they learned how to walk through it loving themselves and each other each step of the way.

It gave me a glimpse into a world I have always wanted and dreamed of as a child and throughout my adult life. What I understand is that watching it gave me closure to accept that my life doesn’t work that way and neither do I. I am getting to understand that this is ok.

At the same time I got to experience love in a family that I never really felt. The characters and the actors who played them got to be so close on this show, their love was palpable and the acting got better every season.

Needless to say, I did cry as I watched those final episodes last night. I cried for the little girl in me that was traumatized and lost for so long, trying to find her way, the woman that walked through countless traumas, and the woman that is in the process of coming out of this on the other side in a more self-loving and powerful way than I have ever felt. This is what healing and life is all about and doing this on my own (alone) has been both a challenge and a gift.

I can’t say how these things would work for you because we are all different yet I can tell you this. Just be kind and loving to yourself when you are going through something. Turns out there is no need to beat ourselves up for making mistakes. How else would we learn from them or give us opportunities to create self-love and self-compassion in our own lives. For us and only us.

This road is not easy, there are potholes, flash floods, sand storms, snow storms, dead animals, all kinds of things to maneuver. It is also full of sunshine. There will always be good days and not so good days and days that are so painful, you just want to crawl under your bed or in the closet and hide from the world. Interestingly when we learned to go head on into the wind, it may be a harder walk but we are still moving forward.

Learn to walk through your journey with ease and grace. I can’t say that it is easy, I can say it is doable. If I can do this, so can you.