Parental alienation is one of many terms used in high conflict divorce. Instead of conscious uncoupling, the couple, who are angry and hurt from the marriage relationship and traumas that have incurred in their childhoods, end up with a situation where one of the parents, who is extremely angry, lies to or doesn’t tell the whole truth to the children and in turn the children begin to push that parent out of their lives. One of the tactics is gaslighting a mental tactic used by the alienating parent.
Gaslighting is the manipulation of someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity; one feels like they are going insane. The people who do the manipulating use this to control the person they are manipulating.
The alienated parents become more deeply wounded and traumatized when therapists, attorneys, courts and those who are supposed to be helping our children don’t listen to us explain what is going on. They just believe the alienated parent is crazy. The issue is that the story becomes a reality from a lie.
Generally, the alienating parent has their own mental health issues. However, the personality traits are tactically oriented to the point that most people can’t recognize what is happening because the alienator is so good at being perfect, a situation is never suspected until things begin to get significantly worse. These things include, addictions, depression, anxiety, running away from the home of the alienating parent, reaching out for help to leave that house (and in some cases being ignored by the courts) where these cases have led to suicides.
Suicide is relevant not just in the children, which is huge, it is especially traumatic to the alienated parent who loves their child and is continually being kept away from them by the alienating parent and in most cases this includes the court system.
The only way to change this cycle is to heal, from the inside. We have spoken to many people who have validated that trying to get help outside them through the schools, courts, CPS, police, etc. have been futile at best. Most of these systems do not want to talk to a parent that is emotional and they don’t understand the emotionality of the parent. When this is going on it becomes a mental insanity-fest.
We can help bring parents into emotional homeostasis so they can not only work solidly and confidently through their problems, then can also be ready to be reunited with their children when they come back. Children are looking for safety, security and love and that is what most alienated parents can provide if they are mentally and emotionally healthy.
None of this is normal when a child pushes a parent out of their lives and what ends up happening is they will lose part of their identity because an entire side of the family is taken away from them. They become lost, confused, depressed, angry and have no idea why all of this is happening. This has long lasting effects on children and these are the children who will be running the world in the future.
Normal Behaviors of Children and Why “Resiliency” Doesn’t Work in Alienation
Children naturally love both parents, which makes them who they are as a human being. During alienation, the child begins to parrot the custodial parent and they don’t even realize what they are doing and it erases the alienated parent from their lives. It is a form of emotional child abuse.
This, I believe, is a huge component of the breakdown of our society when families and children are torn apart like this for no reason.
Imagine being told as a child that one of your parents doesn’t love you, isn’t paying the child support, isn’t doing anything to help raise you, is forcing the custodial parent to go to court or isn’t fighting for you. Then imagine finding out when you are an adult that these were all lies. They did fight for you, they always loved you. What does that do to a child? What does that do to the adult they become? What does it do to our society?
The term Parental Alienation and other terms similar such as Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) have been around for a while. The issue now with these terms is that with the adult children survivors of high conflict divorce, using the term makes them feel as though they are blaming the custodial parent which they don’t want to do. There are a lot of reasons some of those labels don’t work.
It has always been stated that children just want to love and be loved by BOTH of their parents.
The point behind this work is not to blame anyone, it is to heal parents, children and families and change the system. No one can heal if the system is set up to be adversarial. The only way healing can happen is through willingness and a decision to change.
Caroline guides these parents who work with her through a healing process (emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually) so they can not only be a safe space for their children to come back to but to also find their purpose and potentially become advocates for others going through this, in order to change the systems that are broken.
Through healing from trauma, we can then be available to protect the innocent, the children.
With education comes awareness and understanding, and the power to stop the abuse of innocent children caught in the crossfire of people they love.
If you are going through a divorce/custody/alienation, you are welcome to connect with us in one of our Closed Facebook Groups or Page:
GLIMMERS OF HOPE is strictly for healing, love and support and so you can see you are not alone. Coming together in a safe space with others who are going through this.
It is important that you are aware for yourself that you desire to be the best you can be for yourself and your children and you are willing to be open to new ideas and subjects regarding yourself and your relationship with your children. The only way to reconnect with your children and create a safe space for them to return to is to heal and center yourself.
It is expected that you are in this for connection, support, love, and changes, so please note that it isn’t a space for a complaining or negativity. These groups are set up for the safety of its members. As well, there is no advertising of any businesses within the groups or page.
SILENT VOICES FOR THE CHILDREN is about Healing through Love and Connection with Community. Our mission is healing through love so our children have a peaceful future and earth to live on. Guiding others from trauma to going beyond into Love, Healing, Support and Community.
These groups are about growth and not staying stuck in your story. The end goal is to be strong for you and your children.